Ah’m no daft, ah’ve been losing a grip on reality fir aboot ah year or so. Is it because...?

1. Ah’m huvin’ a mid-life crisis?

2. Ah’m huvin’ (or hud) a mental breakdown/breakthrough?

3. Ah’ve simply no’ hud mah Nat King in ages?

4. It’s just ah funny phase ah’m going through?

5. Ah took too many class A’s when ah wiz a nipper?

6. There’s fuck aw wrong wi ays, get a grip oan yersel... yah fuckin’ cunt? (old skool advice).

7. Ah’ve eyewis bin eccentric, just accept it?

8. What came first, the chicken, the egg, or the primordial ooze?

9. Lick my decals off, baby?

10. Ye’ve eyewiz thought yeh wur better than every cunt else (regardless ay gender, creed , religion or race), n’ ye woke up one morning n’ realised that the whole gig is jist ah cosmic dance n’ an illusion, n’ in the giant scheme ay hings, we ur aw insignificant, etc?

11. Ah eyewis wanted another cat (‘n caw it ”Bumblefuck”), n’ coz ah’ve no’ really got the time tae look eftir another moggy, ah get aw moosey-faced?

13. Ah’ve hate every cunt (you include)?

14. Ah’m simply ah jakey?

15. Ah’m inheritantly evil??